The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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