My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
