She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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