I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
