Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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