Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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