Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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