well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
