Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
