Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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