I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
