every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
