We're facebook friends in real life
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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