It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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