Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
