i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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