I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
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i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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