He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His hands were made for my vagina.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
