Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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