This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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