fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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