just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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