how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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