last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
