if you like me you must not know who I am
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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