see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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