yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
