I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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