He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
