I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
