I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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