Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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