I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.