Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.