I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
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too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.