I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?