I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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