I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
