My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
