he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
