Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
