new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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