i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm too high and old for this...
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