I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
