I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize