3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
