blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
