Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
