The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
