We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
