Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
