mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
