Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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