hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize