Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
