so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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