I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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