K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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