omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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