i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
