Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
