i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
