Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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