I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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