So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
