I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
